The perk of having your own personal blog is that you have every right to write anything you want on it as you please, is it not? Even if it was all nonsense, or a dairy entry or whatever.
I don’t know why I always mentally beat myself up about writing. I want to write, I need to write, but either I have nothing useful to right about and I kill any emotional idea that pops up in my mind, or I duel against myself on how to write this perfect idea that I have for an article, I keep procrastinating and thinking as the great expert perfectionist that I am till I forget about it all together.
Even now I’ve been starring at this page for more than an hour thinking madly about a million distractions. Problem is; It does not stop here.
As a worrier, I do this to everything else in my life, anything that is personal takes up so much time and energy of me, worrying, thinking and overthinking over and over and over again.
I do not know when did it start, nor do I have full awareness of it. I only came to realize it very soon; when it started sucking up all my energy and effected me daily life. I concentrate with great difficulty. My nerves are tightened all the time without me even realizing it. And I feel so tired, exhausted all the time!
It is like an endless loop if exhaustion that never stops. No matter how many hours you sleep, how you eat, or how much rest you give your self, you still feel tired.
As a worried and over thinking person; life seem so difficult to you; everything could have a million way to go wrong; you anticipate the negative before the positive, you plan to block out failure before you plan celebrating your success. It is something uncontrollable, it consumes your brain’s energy and drains it.
Some call it a bad unhealthy mental habit, some call a mental issue; depending on the severity of it; but it is something very serious. It becomes serious the minute you feel it consuming you; preventing you from enjoying your life; preventing you from doing the things you wish to do.
For me; every time I write something, it means I’ve beaten my anxiety; just what I’m doing right now!
Every time I fight my brain to thinking positively; I win! Every time I forced myself to expect the best; I win!
Anxiety is about faith; faith in that something good will happen to you. Having this strong believe that it will all work out in the end help ease the worry. It takes energy, and time. It takes endless efforts. I’m only starting to realize my problem; and trying to be more aware and more understanding of it, of the causes and effects; so I could move forward to dealing with it, and maybe getting rid of the anxiety for good one day.
Funny thought: Sometime I think of myself; when I’m most rational, I think how is it possible that I; giving all the factors that form me; come to think of myself, my performance, my outcomes, what happens to me; what I face .. like that?! That worrying way! Well, I do not have an answer to that; but this is thought makes me realize that I should not be thinking this way; nor should you -if you were-.